Brief

January 19, 2012
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So this is going to be a brief update.

I have to work soonish and its a blizzard from hell in London Ontario!

As mentioned before the process of cleaning up my life has started. Facebook is gone. My cell phone number has been changed. I am also going to be opening a new email account that I will use only for personal emails. meaganmclean@hotmail.com will still exist but I honestly get so much junk mail there that I never go through it. I think my inbox has something like 430 emails in it at the moment. So if you have that email, and no other, you can try emailing me at it.. Honestly if I dont reply, try again.. in hopes I see your name. haha

 

There is a ton of POTENTIALS coming up. The biggest one, that is absolutely happening, is that I am moving. Not immediately, but once I am done this term of school au revoir! Im outta here. Colin and I are looking at a ton of options.. In the last few days we have really decided that Ontario is probably not going to happen. We would both go to Kingston, but since the likeliness of him getting hired to an Ontario police force based on being a white male is slim. We will see though. I honestly really would love to live on one of the coasts.. Seafood. All day everyday.

That is all I have time for right now. Lots of love and best wishes.

stay positive

January 11, 2012
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After a pretty brutal start to this week I am trying to remind myself to stay positive and stay focused on good things. I dont really feel the need to get into much detail on the shitty happenings of this week but, yeah, this week has not been the best. It did however lead to some positive choices.

- Closet Clean Out: In the most metaphoric sense. I have been saying for a long time that I wanted to expel negative people from my everyday life and I just kept hanging on to those people. I have realized that some of my best friends are the worst influence on my everyday life. In an emotional sense. Sadly certain people telling me how important I am is majorly overshadowed by everything else that is said. Its like when someone says “you should lose 10 lbs, youre beautiful, but you would look so much better a little thinner…” FUCK. Telling me that I have hurt them, or have been mean, or cause stress in their life/my relationship causes stress, then following it with, “I love you, you are my best friend”, then again saying that I make bad choices that cause them pain.. It makes zero sense. Why would you continue to be friends with someone if you have more bad things to say than positive? So with that said, I am just backing away from certain friendships.. It would sadly appear that things have greatly changed and WE have greatly changed. I know I have changed. I know that I have a lot of shit going on and I dont expect anyone to put their own happiness on the line for me. I wont do it for anyone else. When Britt and I stopped being so close, I was pretty sad. Looking back on it, we both needed it to happen. We were both evolving into very different people. Staying so close would have been catastrophic for both of us. I am happy we both were able to move on and become stronger better people. i can look at our time as friends and feel totally blessed to have known her. I will never cover her initials. She meant so much. As many of the people I am currently backing away from do.

- Half Marathon Training (again): Last year when I pulled my hip flexor I was so crushed. I worked so hard ! Well I have been working harder and my hip is feeling awesome. I average about 5 miles a run and i feel great. I feel like I am really ready to dedicate myself to this. My friend Jenna, and Adela have shown some interest in doing this run with me. I am hoping maybe Adam would be into it as well. I am aiming for August 26.. its here in London which is awesome.

- More focus on University: While I dont know if I will go back in fall, I do need to focus on passing this term. I have nothing more to say. I really gotta focus on good grades.

- Being the best girlfriend: I am SO FUCKING BLESSED to have Colin in my life. I have never had someone who supports me emotionally and in a goal oriented sense in such a way. I mean, all my friends have been supportive, however Colin is just.. wonderful. He treats me so well. I have had a couple instances where I feel like people have tried to pull us apart. Telling me things, trying to make me question myself, or him. Fuck that. I know what I have, who I have, and that I am true. The biggest mistake anyone can/has done is trying to come between us. It leads to my first goal. Certain people in my life are being weeded out based on this apparent goal of ruining my relationship. I feel like this is it for me. Seriously. I cant see past him and I. I just see everything with him. Its wonderful. For the first time I can see YEARS down the line.. not just weeks or months. We have little fights or tiffs or whatever, but we dont scream and yell. We just calmly sit down and talk. Or take a few minutes to ourselves then hug it out. Seriously. Its absurd**. We hug out our fights. (** absurd=so fucking cute it hurts)

- Work consistently. Without drama: Clearly I am a woman, and a drama queen. Calling my previous employer a Nazi via my blog was maybe not the best choice. ALTHOUGH I STAND BY THAT STATEMENT 110%. The owner of that company and his idiotic daughter, and that blinky bitch Marta can eat a bag of dicks. Seriously. I would like to stick out my job with Starbucks for a bit.. there are great opportunities in that company.. and I can always stay part time.. even if I get another more full time job.. If Colin and I move, like we are planning, I can transfer to ANY starbucks in Canada. Basically, I have a job no matter where I live in Canada.. as long as there is a Starbucks. Its also a pretty fun job!

I just want to add in that I am going to be changing my cell phone number this week. I just need to weed out some people that I really dont want to have my phone number. So feel free to email me at meaganmclean@hotmail.com and I will send you my number if I am comfortable with it. CHAD! I Will send you my number.

two thousand twelve

January 2, 2012
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Well happy new year! I dont know where to start..

I am kind of tired, and have to try to sleep soon since I start my new job tomorrow.. so I am going to put the things that stand out to me in bullet format. I will maybe expand on them later.. ish..

- New Years 2011 was spent sleeping in Costa Rica, hung over as fuck from partying the nights before with Adam and Peter..

- January I spent a week in Guanacaste with Owen.. it was wonderful! I also came back to Canada on January 21, not a day too soon. I also started and completed a 21 day water fast, which was an incredible experience. This means that I ONLY drank water for 21 days. No food. It is INCREDIBLE what our bodies are designed to do.

- February is honestly a bit of a blur. A lot of shit happened that.. The only positive thing that stands out about that month is that Peter gave me a gorgeous necklace for my birthday.

- March I remember nothing

- April Justin and I went to NYC with my mother on a bus. Bus ride sucked. City was unreal.

- May Ben and I got back in contact with each other! I couldnt be happier.. (i think it was in May.. Ben??)

- June was a bit of a shocker for me.. I went to visit Liz on June 6 for her bday. It was lovely to see her. I miss that girl so much everyday. Seeing her opened my eyes to how THIN she had gotten, and how THICK i had gotten. I got home from that weekend and stepped on my scale. The number I saw was shocking. 178lbs. The heaviest I have ever been in my life. On my 5’9″ frame it was unbearable. I put myself on the whole30 challenge. I also got HENRY!

- July I finished the whole30 challenge (celebrated with Peter at the works. I stepped on a scale the day I finished the challenge and was delighted to see that I lost almost 25lbs in 30 days. I was on a roll and nothing was stopping me. I continued to follow a somewhat paleo style diet through this month.. I also threw Peter a surprise birthday party.. it was a blast, and we had a great turn out!

- August is almost mostly a blur.. it was hot as a mother fucker. I spent all of my time working or at the gym. Towards the end of the month I was introduced to Colin. That is what stands out the most about August. Oh and Justin and I photographed Ryan and Cara’s beautiful wedding!

- September I went away to Justins cottage for the better part of a week. Talk about a perfect get away!! There are very few people on this planet that I can just exist in the same room with. Justin is one of them. We boated, read magazines, talked about general shit, and made the worlds best fruit salad… which i need to do again stat. September also marked the 10 year anniversary of 9/11.. I missed the Western Fair which blew ass.. on a positive note, Colin and I started dating..

- October I spent every weekend of my life at the Honest Lawyer. That was a fucking bust. lol I also got into the swing of school a bit. I quickly learned I hate the University of Western Ontario, and wont be going back.. fuck that school and its rich bitch 18 year olds.

- November was unseasonally warm. thank you global warming. I enjoyed wearing shorts all month. I also acquired my beautiful 2011 Nissan Sentra Spec V which I love quite a lot.

- December I got fired from the honest lawyer, haha.. I got hired to work at Starbucks, which is UNREAL. I am the most stoked on it. Talk about a perfect part time job for me.. if I could get back into Telus part time I would be set. Free phone. Free coffee. I would be wired, in 2 ways, all the time. I made a lot of choices about myself and my future this month as well, that I am VERY excited and anxious to get working on.

I then spent last night with my lovely friends Jenna and Matt and their adorable son Draeden (i probably spelled that incorrectly)

 

Which leads me to my New Years Resolutions. I have some that are just for me.. but the ones that are open to public knowledge are;

- drop between 10-20 more lbs (based completely on how I look and feel)

- follow a healthy and complete meal plan. 3 meals, 2 snacks a day.

- Run 50km a week until my birthday (works out to about 10km a day 5x a week.. or 6.21 miles)

- spend more time with my friends

- introduce Colin to anyone he has not met

I cant think of the rest because I am tired and need to go to bed to get up to run 5km before work tmr.. sooo here are some photos that really send the message that 2012 is gonna be awesome.

 

bring. it. on.

J’adore Vous

December 9, 2011
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I should have known I could never completely rid myself of a blog. I suppose I just needed a break for a bit. After about one month off, I am feeling refreshed and ready to write.

The break desire came after reading some comments someone had made about me on twitter. They were less than desirable. To say the least. I mean, they were clever. I did laugh out loud legitimately when I read them. Referencing me as a tattooed squirrel who “has more kills than Hitler”.. They did however (i must admit) leave a sour taste in my mouth. I didnt want my personal life being open information to anyone who does not know me. After thinking it over, I have ZERO to hide. To call me a slut is just inaccurate. Anyone who knows me or matters to me knows that. So here I am, reopening my site because it is mine. I want somewhere to vent.

The past month has been a whirl wind. My life is a bit out of control. However, I can admit that I dont hate how out of control it is. Certain aspects of my life and personality I currently desire. I am not ready to give them up completely. I have spent the last…. year I suppose, really trying to be supportive of my friends with emotional issues. I never want to stop being someone my friends can come to with issues, but I have completely stop looking at myself. So I definitely have resolved to nix that habit and focus on myself a bit.

School has proven to be tough on me. Taking all that time off, I guess I forgot that you actually need to work in school. Working a job and in school dont actually go hand in hand. One thing I learned in sociology is that working more than 20 hours a week negatively impacts your schooling. I work 25-30 hours a week, and holy monkeys does it ever negatively affect school. I am one hell of an insomniac. Up until 3, 4, 5 am some nights. I have resorted to taking benadryl on nights like tonight when I want to be asleep by 2 at the latest. I generally sleep in, and must admit I have been flaking on the gym a ton. Colin hurt his back a few weeks ago, and took some time off.. which left me with zero motivation to work out. So I took some time off. First time in years. It did feel good. I didnt gain weight. Which was nice. Actually I am almost ALMOST back down to pre-Costa Rica weight gain.. and fitting into 95% of my old clothes. Now that I am here and looking at myself, I think I want to drop roughly 15lbs of fat more. Would give me some lovely muscle def.

Speaking of Colin.

Colin. I kept meaning to talk about him more, but I admit I was hesitant due to a certain delicate situation. I cant do that. Not to anyone involved. So, Colin. What do I even say. Talk about being blind sided by something/someone. I had resolved to being single for a long time. I still dont really think I am emotionally right for a relationship, however, he offers me support. In the absolute best way anyone has ever offered it. For someone who has known me for such a short period of time, he seems to know me almost the best.

I must take a minute to say, I have a great support team. I have friends and family that love my unconditionally. My closest friends know absolutely everything. They do their best to be there for me, but a lot of times it ends up having the opposite effect of what is desired. It pushes me further away, or deeper into my… issues? illness? whatever. I dont want sympathy. I dont want to be babied or have people walk on egg shells around me.

Anyways, I am incredibly grateful to have met this handsome, strong (physically and emotionally), determined and motivated young man. I can honestly say he is what I needed in my life. Here is hoping that his wonderful qualities start to rub off on me. I need all the strength and determination I can get.

 

Coming up for this young lady right here,

- Christmas!  I am srsly excited for it this year! I am doing xmas with the McLean famjam on the 19th. Someone text me on the 18th and remind me to bring my camera along to all xmas’s. I wanna remember them. Xmas eve at my moms house, then Xmas day, heading up to Sudbury for a Laforge family extravaganza. Stopping by Collingwood to see my beautiful bestie Sal on the way home. Then sometime between the 27 and Jan 8 I am going to try to get my nearest and dearest (Peter, Justin, Paige, Matt, Fung, Sadie, Ryan, Ryan&Cara and whomever else is around) together for a dinner/potluck/mingling and meeting of friends..

- New Years Eve – can suck a mean dick this year. I will be slinging shooters at Down Town Kathy Browns, while Colin is in Montreal.. and all my other friends are absolute shit show without me. Neat-o.

- My 27 birthday. Less than 2 months away. Undecided what will be going on for that, but I do know I want it to involve one Mr Adam Wood, Karen and Ron and Lolo, Sally, Jay, Ben, Owen, CHAD and the rest of the London people.. So if your name was mentioned or you are from my city, expect to see me in and around February 5.

1230. Really? Thats it. Fuck me, I hope this benadryl kicks in soon. LOL

November 13, 2011
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Since I am so busy these days with school, work, life. I am taking a step back from the internet. Twitter is gone. Tumblr will follow soon. Facebook more than likely. All these social outlets just add extra stress and drama to my life that I just dont need. I am an adult. Not a 15 year old. I will leave the drama and bullshit to the emotionally retarded for now. Lots of love, and best wishes.

 

xoxo

Happy Halloween!!

November 1, 2011
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Another Halloween has come and gone, and I am excited and sad to say goodbye to October. This months has been relatively brutal for me. A lot of poopee things have happened, but at the same time a lot of great things have happened. So it is bittersweet that I say adieu to October. Bonjour to Movember. Apparently November is a thing of the past, and I need to just accept the dirty disgusting month of Movember.

A couple weekends ago I had my first University exam. I got my mark today. I am not STOKED on it. I got 61%. HOWEVER, I am trying to remember I could have gotten, well ZERO. A pass is a pass and I know that next time I need to study differently.

This weekend we had a halloween party at the Lawyer. Let me tell you, it was intense. So many drunk idiotic people around. I am generally pretty skilled at keeping control of my tray of shots or drinks. I spilled not 1, but TWO trays this weekend. Thanks drunk idiots.

Before I get to the random array of photos I have collected in the last week, a few things.

I miss my girls. (and my guys..) Mostly my girls. Its a given I miss Karen and Liz. Those two are my wives and I miss them more than anything. It makes me sick that I havent met Lauren, my beautiful niece. I think about Liz and Karen daily. I hope they are ok. Happy. The usual shit a friend wishes for a friend. I wish I could do everything for them to make their lives perfect. I hope the men that see them daily realize how lucky they are, and are a decent replacement for me in my absence. ha

I got to see my girl Paige tonight. Its funny, I sometimes forget how much I care about people. Dont take this the wrong way.. its maybe not that I forget but more that whole out of sight out of mind thing. I get so consumed and overwhelmed with school and work and just generally being terrible with keeping track of things. I saw Paige tonight and straight up almost cried I was so happy. Lame? Yeah, a bit. Whatever. Its like that with most of my closer friends. When I go a week, month, or several months, the feeling I get when I see them just overwhelms me. I fight tears because I dont wanna be THAT friend.. You know the one that holds the hug that extra second or two.. just long enough to make it awkward.. Or the friend that wipes away a tear. I know how I feel when people do that. I cant do it to my friends.. However, friends, if you are reading this, holy god I miss you. I love you. I am sorry I am absent. However you are in my heart ALWAYS. Every day is an effort to be better, not for me really, but for my friends. Oh, and my famjam. Rick & Cath are bomb and even though my mom drives me insane, I love her, and my father.. My daddy is my best friend. (not gettng into this. I can feel it turning to mush)

Movember is a new month. Goals for the month;

-Study more

-Pass sociology exam on November 12

-Get to the gym more, cause I am slackin

-Get my car ready for winter

-Be more honest: This is the biggest one. Its not that I lie. I really dont lie a lot at all. (maybe to myself.. btu thats different) I tend to more avoid the truth, or to practice selective truth telling. I am going to vow to stop this. I have to be 110% honest, even if it may cause a bit of pain. In the long run, me beating around the bush is going to be more hurtful. I love my friends a lot. I owe them honesty. I owe it to myself, because constantly feeling guilty about things isnt going to make my life easier. It adds stress. Its not fair to me, or to the people in my daily life.

yadda yadda yadda

October 24, 2011
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With only seven days left until Halloween, and only 5 until my Halloween work shift, I find myself sitting at home, sans costume. Rats. I was so excited about this and now I am just, indifferent to it. Maybe because I have to go into work for the party aspect. I would much rather go out here in London, or even make my way north up to Montreal with Colin.. I do need the money though and working will probably keep me out of trouble.

The last week and a bit have been stressful an hectic. Booked a week off work to study for my psychology exam. Which I am pretty sure did me little to know good. I sat down for that exam and knew pretty much nothing on it. It was heart breaking and discouraging. What in the fuck did I do wrong in my studies? I studied so much. I am going to attempt to study for 2-3 hours a day.. I do have some spare time, I am working less.

Last week I made my way to Port Huron with Peter for the day. In his shiny new truck. It was nice to spend time with him and just chat.. I rarely have the time to do that these days, He is usually at work during the day, and I am at work at night. So we got the chance to road trip his nice new toy and pick up his sick new sunnies. That I need to own. They are rasta colours. Awesome.

I really dont feel like I really want to play this whole, “this is what I did. This is who I did it with. This is the outcome” fucking game. I am worried about a friend right now. I have been messaging for the last couple days with no responses. If this person is angry with me, then so be it. I understand. I know that the situation is a little crappy, but I cant help it. I cant change things. I can only do what seems right for me. However, I would appreciate some form of indication that I am in trouble. Not just this silence on every form of technology. No email, no facebook (not even status updates or comments on other peoples shit), No responses to texts, no checking whatsapp. To me, this is scary. I am scared for you. I am worried and sad and holy fuck. I am at the point where I may just go to this persons home, or call their parents. Its hard though, because there is that part of me that thinks they want me to stay away.

FUCK.

Alright I am done with this. I thought it would make me feel better to add it to another source that I am worried, but I am just more frustrated and stressed out about it. SO i am going to get dressed and head to the gym for my cardio and weights. I have slacked the most the last week. Deload (light weight week) mixed with no cardio. Fat. Ass.

Enjoy some photos though